From Perfectionism to Progress: How ChatGPT Helped Me Set Boundaries and Embrace a Growth Mindset (With a Little Help from Leslie Knope)

People-pleasing and perfectionism are two daily struggles I have battled throughout my journey in music and it has continued during my masters degree at Lamar. As Leslie Knope wisely put it, "What I hear when I’m being yelled at is people caring loudly at me." That kind of loud caring makes me feel anxious and overwhelmed, especially when I am trying to keep everyone happy and deliver flawless work.

Looking back, I can see how my own experiences as an undergrad at UNT shaped those tendencies- always striving for a perfect performance and wanting to keep everyone around me happy, sometimes at the cost of my own well-being. But here's the thing: growth mindset isn't just something I teach my students; it's a practice I'm learning every day. I discovered that sometimes help can be found in unlikely places, such as from AI chatbots like ChatGPT.

In this post, I'll share how an honest conversation with ChatGPT helped me unpack my perfectionist triggers, set healthy boundaries for group work, and get closer to embracing progress over perfection- all through the lens of music education and current tech tools.

When Perfectionism and People-Pleasing Collide with Group Work

I'm just going to say the weird thing. I HATE group work with the passion of 1,000 fiery Texas suns. It was during my work on our weekly discussions for my ADL classes that things came to a head. I had been doing what I always do when it comes to group projects: over-functioning and feeling like I had to keep the group from falling apart. I created the discussion document and created tabs for each week. I created the reference page for the week and religiously checked it for the correct APA 7th edition formatting. The discussions are due at midnight on Sunday, and bright and early on Monday I got my grade. I was FURIOUS. My grade still came back with a deduction for citation errors for the group. However, I wasn't just furious at the grade, but also the pressure I put on myself to carry the group. But this time the stress just didn't sit on my shoulders- it spilled over into tears. So I did something I learned about in PD but had never tried before- I opened up ChatGPT and asked for help figuring out WHY I was so triggered. The response I received surprised me.

A Chat with ChatGPT (Yes, Really)

I can definitely understand the benefits of using ChatGPT for therapy. When I opened up and asked for help figuring out why I was so triggered, instead of giving me a quick fix ChatGPT took the time and asked me gentle questions. It asked me what I was feeling, what my expectations for the group were, and whether this was part of a deeper pattern. And it was. I quickly realized I wasn't upset about this single assignment. I was upset about years of work I had poured into these group projects, often without support or recognition, and I was grieving that time and effort. My perfectionism had trained me to believe that if I didn't do it all, everything would fall apart. My people-pleasing convinced me that if I set boundaries that I would be labeled as "extra", "difficult", and "hard to work with." ChatGPT helped me name the core values that I felt were being violated, such as competence, fairness, and reciprocity. Once I saw the pattern, I could hope to start rewriting it. Together, ChatGPT and I created a kind but firm message to my group- one that acknowledged their struggles without feeling like I had to absorb them. It was a definite turning point for me. For the first time ever, I didn't sacrifice my time or sanity just to keep the peace, instead I was kind AND set a limit. Preliminary studies suggest that AI-powered chatbots may help alleviate symptoms of anxiety and depression. (Zhang & Wang, 2024) People who have used AI chatbots for therapy also reported a range of positive impacts including improved mood, reduced anxiety, healing from trauma and loss, and improved relationships. (Siddals, Torous, & Coxon, 2024). I can totally agree with this- I felt so much better after this mini therapy session with Chat GPT.

Chris Traeger gloating about the benefits of therapy

Reclaiming My Voice — One Boundary at a Time

What surprised me the most about this whole situation wasn't the low grade- after all it was an assignment worth a mere 20 points of my overall grade. What surprised me the most was my physical response to the grade- it WRECKED me. I'm talking ugly crying, shaking, and feeling angry- the whole 9 yards. It felt like the emotional equivalent of dragging a group project across the finish line, only to be handed a penalty for something that wasn't even my fault. I was exhausted, frustrated, and honestly, just done.

While I was sitting on my couch crying to my dog (shout out to Jade for being a great listener!) I realized that I wasn't upset about this one grade. I was upset about the amount of times I had over-functioned, over-delivered, and quietly carried more than my share just to keep things running smoothly and not cause problems.

While I am a sassy woman who can make some fierce comebacks in a conversation, I have always struggled to set boundaries on my own. This is due to my perfectionism and people-pleasing needs. My inner monologue is always saying things like "Don't make waves" or "Just fix it yourself- it will be faster." However, in that conversation with ChatGPT something changed. I didn't just get advice- I got language that I could use to finally say what I needed to without guilt.

For someone who is always told they are "too much"- too loud, too passionate, or too sensitive, just having someone (even if it was an AI someone) validate how I felt helped my body physically calm down. I stopped feeling like I had to battle the problem and everyone around me. For the first time in that group setting I could focus on the problem and then take action.

Writing a message that was clear, kind, and boundary setting was my own sort of quiet rebellion. I didn't ignore my emotions or pack them away to deal with later. Instead, I let my emotions guide me. I chose to respond rather than react. That sounds small, but in that moment, it was everything to me.

I'm still working on finding the balance between caring deeply and carrying too much on my shoulders. However, this experience gave me a little more language, a little more clarity, and a little more agency. Moving forward, I'm bringing that into every rehearsal, every collaboration, and every classroom.

What This Has to Do With Music Education (and Why Leslie Knope Would Be Proud)

In music we talk a lot about practice, persistence, and measuring growth. We constantly tell our students that mistakes are a part of the process- no one plays perfectly the first time and that we value progress over perfection. But here I was: someone who believes in growth mindset on paper, but secretly I was crumbling under the weight of needing to do everything right, for everyone, all the time.

Leslie Knope once said, “I care. I care a lot. It’s kind of my thing.”

Same, Leslie. Same.

I care deeply about my family. I care deeply about my friends, my students, and my dog. I want to put out quality work and create something that is meaningful. However, caring deeply doesn't mean carrying everything alone. My conversation with ChatGPT that day gave me my new favorite quote and my new mantra in life: I contribute fully, not endlessly. I show up, not sacrifice.

It's a lesson I'm still learning- not just for myself, but for my family, friends, and students, too. I have learned that if I model burnout, perfectionism, and silent overworking, that's what they will learn from me.

This moment has helped me realize that embracing a growth mindset isn't something we see on paper and decide to teach- it is something we have to live. Sometimes that means saying "I did my part, now I have to trust others to do theirs." Sometimes it means letting go of control so collaboration can happen. This is INCREDIBLY hard to do and something I know I need to work on daily. Sometimes it means asking for help (even from an AI chatbot) and learning how to create language for boundaries you have always needed to set.

A screenshot of my therapy session with ChatGPT

Takeaways for Music Educators Who Care (Maybe a Little Too Much)

If you have ever found yourself recreating someone's slide on Canva, fixing a rhythm section that wasn't yours to fix, or triple-checking someone else's work because you just couldn't let it go- hi, welcome. You're not alone, and you have friends here!

Here's what I'm learning (slowly, imperfectly, messily, but honestly) about being a music educator with perfectionist and people-pleasing tendencies: it's not easy to change, but it is worth it to try. Here are 5 suggestions I plan on implementing into my classroom this year to help model these changes for my students.

1. Model the Mess- Let your students see you make a mistake and recover. Progress isn't linear (much to my dismay) but your vulnerability creates space for theirs.

2. Say "That's Enough" Before You Burn Out- Set time limits on planning, grading, talking about band, and everything in between. Done is usually better than perfect, and sustainable beats spectacular-but-exhausted. This one is SO hard, but so worth it!

3. Talk About Feelings- Not Just Band- Normalize conversations with your students about nerves, anxiety, frustration, joy, and everything in between in the band hall. This teaches students that their emotional experiences matter, as well.

4. Let Students Lead (Even If It's Messy)-Give students ownership of the process, and watch them exceed your expectations.

5. Ask For Help (And Accept It)- Whether it's from friend, family member, colleague, or chatbot- you don't have to do it all yourself. Everything is figureoutable.

   
   
   
   

And finally, when you find yourself spiraling after a rough rehearsal, a chaotic group project, or a reference page you just can't stand to look at anymore, remember these wise words inspired by Ron Swanson: "You can't give your best to everything at once. Focus on what matters most and give it your full attention." So give your best effort to your growth. Give your best effort to your boundaries. And when you make mistakes along the way, remember that you are just learning, and it's going to be okay!

References:

Daniels, G., Schur, M., Klein, H., Miner, D., Sackett, M., Holland, D., & Goor, D. (Executive Producers). (2009-2015). Parks and recreation [TV series]. Deedle-Dee Productions; 3 Arts Entertainment

Siddals, S., Torous, J., & Coxon, A. (2024). “It happened to be the perfect thing”: Experiences of generative AI chatbots for mental health. npj Mental Health Research, 3, Article 48. https://doi.org/10.1038/s44184-024-00097-4

Zhang, Z., & Wang, J. (2024). Can AI replace psychotherapists? Exploring the future of mental health care. Frontiers in Psychiatry, 15, Article 1444382. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyt.2024.1444382

Technology Mentioned

ChatGPT- www.chatgpt.com